At this moment I’ve got tons of things to do. The more reason I haven’t written anything for a while.
Half of that reason is because I don’t do them at all. Ironic isn’t?
For the past days, I felt like nothing is going right. Except me watching the sunrise is really really comforting.However, feels like that cure expired already.
There is no pleasant way to say this, but I sucked at living. And I can’t confide it to anyone. They have their own to face anyway.
How can a young self like myself feels so down at this point in her life?
I don’t know
If I have a choice I wouldn’t want me be the me right now.
What is worth living?
Smiles and laughters.
When all you have is pain and hurting you can’t really see well. All you have are all those memories and yourself wishing it was all different.
Yet I think hope is when you realize you don’t live for yourself alone. You are honored and privileged to witness the greatest moments of those people around you.
You are lucky enough to witness their huge grins and their sparkly eyes when they achieved something.
I think when all “goals” fails to motivate you have to tell yourself just
FIND A REASON
And all will eventually go well.
You are blessed to be someone’s daughter, sister and friend.
I’l be reminding myself that.
It’s wrong to dwell all those things that hurts you. Sorry for putting you through this. Be reminded that this is temporary.
Your older self.
Sure is at one point in our life we wish be someone, we dream to be in another place, in another time, in another family, in another home, doing another task.
When I look at the mirror I see a different person. And all I do is hate her in the mirror. She’s a ghost because she’s staring in front of her life lifeless.
I could tell by her eyes that she is tired. From that moment on I knew she stopped and I could not even compare her to a stone or a rock or a statue because I know somehow as the earth revolves they too are in motion even if it is invisible but she, she just stopped. While whole world, the whole universe is around her.
Purpose. Worth. Perseverance. I live by those words yet I am typing somewhere in our house right now. I can’t find those anymore. I became the girl in the mirror.Lifeless yet breathing. Maybe it isn’t just today. Maybe it’s my whole life that I continue to run and run exhaust myself. Trying to find an escape. Then it will take a little while to realize I am where I am again.
And right now if I could wish just one. I would like to be words. Floating in books buzzing into a persons mind, present in conversations, in children’s fairy tale books, in ones memories. Just to be remembered to remind myself I am alive. Just to have a purpose.
Being a word, I could be invisible without stressing why others would ignore me. I mean it’s understandable right? especially if those words would be heard or seen in a bad joke? or a really corny one?
Being a word means a little freedom.
How about you what do you want if you can change something?
I hope I can continue seeing my voice in writing. As of the moment I felt lost and caged. Thank you for taking the time to read.
I am sorry for the honesty I couldn’t bear.
The sadness will last forever.
-Vincent van Gogh
Most of the times I would prefer to tell funny things or happy memories. Because I figured people love to hear about them and it is a way to tell myself hey ” stop being so stupid”.
You are so young to think of dying, who would befriend you if you cloud yourself with negativities? You are supposed to be cheerful. You’re too young, you have a lot of things to do. At that age you are depressed? Really?
As I listen to those questions it is deafening that my voice gets muffled in between.
Yes, maybe their right but no.
I have the right to feel every emotion that lingers in my body. I have the right to be not okay. I have the right to be messed up. Because that’s reality.
And when it is too late most of the times,
behind those ” I could have had…
Were the people who fail to listen and recognize what they knew from the start.
If a happiest smile hides a thousand feelings, what kind of smile tells you i’m not okay?
What kind of smile would tell you I just need a hug?
What kind of smile would tell you i’m hurting inside?
What kind of smile would tell you i’m barely holding on?
What kind of smile would tell you I need a friend by my side?
What kind of smile would tell you to stay and just be there for a while?
What kind of smile would tell you to please look at me.
When i’m wiping my tears as you continue to walk behind.
I close my eyes
I felt my body paralyze
As my heart bruises
Where do this end I ask
How long can I last?
Do you ever have that feeling of despair? It’s like you are in a middle of the ocean and day by day you get swallowed by the waves. Then you don’t know yourself anymore. You’ve been to a thousand battles and each time you pray you’d survive.