Sorry

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At this moment I’ve got tons of things to do. The more reason I haven’t written anything for a while.

Half of that reason is because I don’t do them at all. Ironic isn’t?

For the past days, I felt like nothing is going right. Except me watching the sunrise is really really comforting.However, feels like that cure expired already.

There is no pleasant way to say this, but I sucked at living. And I can’t confide it to anyone. They have their own to face anyway.

How can a young self like myself feels so down at this point in her life?

I don’t know

If I have a choice I wouldn’t want me be the me right now.

What is worth living?

Smiles and laughters.

When all you have is pain and hurting you can’t really see well. All you have are all those memories and yourself wishing it was all different.

Yet I think hope is when you realize you don’t live for yourself alone. You are honored and privileged to witness the greatest moments of those people around you.

You are lucky enough to witness their huge grins and their sparkly eyes when they achieved something.

I think when all “goals” fails to motivate you have to tell yourself just

FIND A REASON

And all will eventually go well.

You are blessed to be someone’s daughter, sister and friend.

I’l be reminding myself that.

P.S.

Dear Self,

It’s wrong to dwell all those things that hurts you. Sorry for putting you through this. Be reminded that this is temporary.

Truly,

Your older self.

 

 

 

 

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Stand

It isn’t easy

I know

I see you in bed

I see the dry tears in your pillow

I know you tried

I understand that you can’t

But you see you need to open the window

Why?

Yes I know you are tired

No I am not trying to explain something

Or telling you to work hard

All I want is that you stand

 

Reality Check

I am sorry for the honesty I couldn’t bear.

riooooo

The sadness will last forever.

-Vincent van Gogh

Most of the times I would prefer to tell funny things or happy memories. Because I figured people love to hear about them and it is a way to tell myself hey ” stop being so stupid”.

You are so young to think of dying, who would befriend you if you cloud yourself with negativities? You are supposed to be cheerful. You’re too young, you have a lot of things to do. At that age you are depressed? Really?

As I listen to those questions it is deafening that my voice gets muffled in between.

Yes, maybe their right but no.

I have the right to feel every emotion that lingers in my body. I have the right to be not okay. I have the right to be messed up. Because that’s reality.

And when it is too late most of the times,

behind those ” I could have had…

Were the people who fail to listen and recognize what they knew from the start.

 

What kind of Smile?

If a happiest smile hides a thousand feelings, what kind of smile tells you i’m not okay?

What kind of smile would tell you I just need a hug?

What kind of smile would tell you i’m hurting inside?

What kind of smile would tell you i’m barely holding on?

What kind of smile would tell you I need a friend by my side?

What kind of smile would tell you to stay and just be there for a while?

What kind of smile would tell you to please look at me.

Me

When i’m wiping my tears as you continue to walk behind.

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Don’t Lie To Me

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You told me a different story

You made me feel lonely

 

You told me i wasn’t good enough

Am I not tough?

I ask

 

But there was no answer

Instead tears just rolled down my eyes

I look at you

 

You told me I was weak

And that I can never be fixed

I am as brittle as a stick

 

I stared at you for a little longer

Then I took a deep breath

Gathering the last ounce of hope thats left

 

You told me I will never suceed

And that I should give up

Because my goals are just a trap

 

At that time I kneeled

Hiding my face with both palms

Telling myself I had enough

 

You told me to stop trying

Because I will always fail

You shouted at my face

You expected me to lay still

But I got up

 

Then i saw you did the same

You are the reflection of me

But you told me lies

 

You listened to people around you

That you forgot what’s in the inside

You have forgotten about me

 

I’ve been screaming at you

With this little voice of mine

Telling you the truth

 

You’re perfect just the way that you are

You can do it

You are worthy

You are beautiful

You are loved

You are amazing

You are God’s child

 

This time listen to me

This time let’s be each others bestfriend

This time hug me tight

This time no more lies

 

Genuine Beauty

Who am I?

Am I not a reflection of what I see?

Or the things I yearn?

I ask myself what do I do?

Embrace darkness

Or chase the light?

Beyond what is seen

I know there is love

In every texture I have felt

In those words, I hear

Melodies speaks in my heart

Telling me not to worry or live in shame

For I will always remember

Genuine beauty

Is beyond what is seen.

Exhale


Where have you been in the last couple of days?

What kept you frowning always?

When did you last giggle over something stupid?

Who reminds you to slow down and appreciate a little bit?

How about take a breath then, exhale for a while just let it all go.

“Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to accomplish something big, that we fail to notice the little things that give life its magic.”