Sorry

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At this moment I’ve got tons of things to do. The more reason I haven’t written anything for a while.

Half of that reason is because I don’t do them at all. Ironic isn’t?

For the past days, I felt like nothing is going right. Except me watching the sunrise is really really comforting.However, feels like that cure expired already.

There is no pleasant way to say this, but I sucked at living. And I can’t confide it to anyone. They have their own to face anyway.

How can a young self like myself feels so down at this point in her life?

I don’t know

If I have a choice I wouldn’t want me be the me right now.

What is worth living?

Smiles and laughters.

When all you have is pain and hurting you can’t really see well. All you have are all those memories and yourself wishing it was all different.

Yet I think hope is when you realize you don’t live for yourself alone. You are honored and privileged to witness the greatest moments of those people around you.

You are lucky enough to witness their huge grins and their sparkly eyes when they achieved something.

I think when all “goals” fails to motivate you have to tell yourself just

FIND A REASON

And all will eventually go well.

You are blessed to be someone’s daughter, sister and friend.

I’l be reminding myself that.

P.S.

Dear Self,

It’s wrong to dwell all those things that hurts you. Sorry for putting you through this. Be reminded that this is temporary.

Truly,

Your older self.

 

 

 

 

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To all who made my sky beautiful❤

Smile to the sunshine
And wipe your tears
Dont be sad, conquer your fears

I am with you
Surely I will
You can do it, just be still

Walk in that path
You’d always ramble about
Erase your doubts

I know time will pass
And you’d still be hurt
Once in a while in tears you’ll blurt

But don’t you worry my dear
For I am with your battles and victories
Listening to all your stories

I’ll be someone you can count on
Because even if you see not my face
I am with the crowd, extending support,just in case

I did my best to make this poem rhyme
So that I could atleast make you happy one last time
Yet a favor you must do

When I’ll be deeply asleep
Bring me three daisies
Whisper three wishes

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Louisa Clark and I : An Autobiography

 

 

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I am Louisa Clark if you don’t believe me chances are, you already have watched or read Me Before You, or you know Louisa Clark is halfway across the globe,or maybe you know she doesn’t really exist. Either way, you can call me a fanatic of her character but just a little bit more.

Like Louisa I am a daisy in a bunch of roses.I am a rainbow in the midst of a storm. And a melody in between the silence. Growing up I always feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Like Louisa being asked what do you really want in your life? Only the sound of crickets could be heard as my reply. And it is disappointing, just like how Mrs. Trainor reacted after hearing nothing from Louisa.

Later on however, I realized that it’s okay to be unique. That it is okay to not figure things out instantly. That it is okay to have doubts. It is okay to have your own phase in your sojourn in life.

And most importantly I realized that it is nice to wonder for a while. After all not all who wonders are lost right? So I started to wonder on this three questions. What is it that your heart seeks? Who are the people you really care about? And how would you want your life to be years from now?

I didn’t see it coming but Louisa’s character taught me how to answer those questions. It’s the simple joy of everyday rambles that actually gives life its meaning. It’s the way I hump my back in riding the jeepney because of tiredness then I would smile because I saw a little girl with her dad.

My heart seeks the laughter of children that magically vanish weariness from their parent’s faces. My heart yearns lullabies of love when they felt alone. Because above all, doing that cures my heart. Louisa’s love for her family,to the point that she is willing to suspend her dreams for a while inspires me to keep going. She found love in the most mundane circumstance and that love transformed her into a strong individual.

At the end of the day, no matter how chaotic or harmonious I may find myself in. My heart settles for what it speaks louder. Be a pediatrician. Never give up.

I have few ideas how to get there and nothing is certain. Yet, I must be willing to accept the challenges along the way and to see them as choices not as options.

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My first name means river in Spanish.While the second one comes from the bible, as what my father said. Being a girl has its perks. Though I secretly wish I was born a boy together with my brothers. Because growing up, who would be happy being their maid? Definitely not me.

I grow up in a small town where people know each others backyard like they know their name. And being born in November where my relatives would often come home for the All Soul’s Day didn’t help. Not because I don’t like the crowd but maybe because like Louisa I appreciate the thoughts in my mind when I am not saying them. Unspoken words are sweeter. And there is just a bit mystery when you are seeing things and not be one of those being looked at.

Years from now, I will create a new meaning not only for my name but for who I am as an individual.

As I traverse different paths in my life I only want 2 things: to maintain the sunshine in my outlook in life just like Louisa did and, to thank God always, for whatever I have right now, came from Him.

I am Louisa Clark not because I look like her but because I became a whole new person after I’ve seen love in the mirrors of her actions.

I am Louisa Clark because I am clumsy yet brave.

Old fashioned but fascinating and lastly I am Louisa Clark because I believe that the power of love can change you in ways you’ve never imagined.

And that is truly worth fangirling about isn’t?

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Words

 

Sure is at one point in our life we wish be someone, we dream to be in another place, in another time, in another family, in another home, doing another task.

When I look at the mirror I see a different person. And all I do is hate her in the mirror. She’s a ghost because she’s staring in front of her life lifeless.

I could tell by her eyes that she is tired. From that moment on I knew she stopped and I could not even compare her to a stone or a rock or a statue because I know somehow as the earth revolves they too are in motion even if it is invisible but she, she just stopped. While whole world, the whole universe is around her.

Purpose. Worth. Perseverance. I live by those words yet I am typing somewhere in our house right now. I can’t find those anymore. I became the girl in the mirror.Lifeless yet breathing. Maybe it isn’t just today. Maybe it’s my whole life that I continue to run and run exhaust myself. Trying to find an escape. Then it will take a little while to realize I am where I am again.

And right now if I could wish just one. I would like to be words. Floating in books buzzing into a persons mind, present in conversations, in children’s fairy tale books, in ones memories. Just to be remembered to remind myself I am alive. Just to have a purpose.

Being a word, I could be invisible without stressing why others would ignore me. I mean it’s understandable right? especially if those words would be heard or seen in a bad joke? or a really corny one?

 

Being a word means a little freedom.

How about you what do you want if you can change something?

P.s.

I hope I can continue seeing my voice in writing. As of the moment I felt  lost and caged. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Love,

Rio Abbye3cf860e95d04aca7b1c217cfa97b1ed

 

Fly: Soar High

I’m in love with hummingbirds and the feature photo above is my first watercolor painting.

Growing up I always believe that we humans are capable of flying as well. When I watched birds over our window I would be mesmerized by its wings and how amazing and powerful our Creator is for making those marvels in the sky.

Then after that, I would ask myself how can I fly? Well at that moment I am ambitious enough to create a small Christmas Tree out from a small shrub.

And all day I would glance at it as if it is the most beautiful thing I’d ever created. At that time I told myself, this is the start of my flight. I wanted to create something. I wanted to let my creativity dance even if my eyes could also appreciate them or see them. I will make sure that I would fly.

So far my journey has been rough, I have been to so many ups and downs. But hey, there are booked flights I haven’t still checked on my list, maybe I should be packing my bags for the next trip. How about you when will you fly?

 

Reality Check

I am sorry for the honesty I couldn’t bear.

riooooo

The sadness will last forever.

-Vincent van Gogh

Most of the times I would prefer to tell funny things or happy memories. Because I figured people love to hear about them and it is a way to tell myself hey ” stop being so stupid”.

You are so young to think of dying, who would befriend you if you cloud yourself with negativities? You are supposed to be cheerful. You’re too young, you have a lot of things to do. At that age you are depressed? Really?

As I listen to those questions it is deafening that my voice gets muffled in between.

Yes, maybe their right but no.

I have the right to feel every emotion that lingers in my body. I have the right to be not okay. I have the right to be messed up. Because that’s reality.

And when it is too late most of the times,

behind those ” I could have had…

Were the people who fail to listen and recognize what they knew from the start.

 

About Me

“Not all of us can do great things.But we can do small things with great love.”

~Mother Teresa

 

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At this age, I have been brought to the ups and downs of my life. I felt like there is a hole in my heart that I needed to fill. Like a missing part of who I am. I struggled real hard to find myself, I did so many things, I engage my self in doing activities in school, buy things others do, become an alien in front of a mirror. The more I do these things, the more I am becoming less myself.

Then one day I realize, I don’t need to look now where to find that missing piece. It is closer than I thought. A pen and paper are what I need and then I found this.

My passion for writing brought me to a wonderful journey of discovery.

I know now, that I don’t need to impress anyone, I don’t need to follow the trends and be someone I’m not. And I told myself ” their opinion should remain their opinion, who I am is not relative to what they want me to be”.

This blog is formed out of my love for writing, the thing that my heart seeks and where my soul will forever feel at ease.

Writing is home and will always be.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Much love, Rio Abby

rioooo