Or what will i find?
Lola(grandma) Isong thank you for being my strength
These past weeks I have been busy with exams and reports beating the deadline and hoping for a better grade.
There are times when i just feel tired and empty.
I have these “ifs” in my mind.
“If only you studied your Philippine Politics you could have answered the essays ”
“If only you were not lazy you could have finished your reports already”
“If only you studied your lessons you wouldn’t have to worry about the results of your midterm exams”
“If only you organized your schedules well you could have accomplished more task”.and the list goes on
Being 18, I want to do more with this time and oppurtunities I am given yet, I often feel discourage when I fail.
My mind repeats this cycle of failures in my head and sometimes I just want to say wait maybe I should give up, maybe this is not for me. Maybe I should just quit doing these activities because I won’t excell in it anyway.
When i’m stress, my number one stress reliever is cleaning ( yeps starting from my room then to the rest of our house).
As I am rummaging through piles of books I saw this small notebook which was given by my grandma. I haven’t opened it for a while. Scanning the pages I came across a poem I had written a year ago.
What I Lost
l. The breeze is warm under the sun
I think not of the sea
But the balls of clay I came upon
I stop for a while
ll. I pick them up
I think not of what they maybe
Yet i throw them at the sea
Watch them vanish in each wave
lll. Then i run
I think not of my destination
Looking for something
I can’t find
lV. Then I stumble and fall
I think of this one ball of clay
Now reduced to pieces, in my hand
Gems and diamonds it contain
V. I think of all the previous gems I lost
Trailed back to where I once stood
Sad yet hopeful
Now i will be finding my balls of clay again
I remember that I made this poem from the speech of a certain individual (he was the school’s superintendent) during my graduation in junior high. I could still recall that moment when I paused and reflected, then asked myself these questions:
How many balls of clay did i throw?
What are my gems and diamonds?
Are there people and things in my life that i took for granted?
Reading the poem I saw the picture of my grandma above it. And my heart twinge. Lola ( how we adress grandma in the Philippines) is so brave and strong. She sacrificed a lot just for her sisters to go to school. Even if it means graduating in grade 6 and finding a job after.
She would often remind us all her apos (grandchildren).
“Give importance to your family and always stand up to what is right and dont let your reputation be tinted”.
My Lola Isong is a phenomenal woman. At an early age she helped her father in the farm. She worked jobs, just to support her 4 siblings which became teachers and the youngest a midwife.
I look up to her, and to my family. Because despite the struggles that we have to go through, we remained a bundle of joy to each other.
As I close the notebook I realized that my family is my “gems and diamond”
During times of hardship I would feel hopeless and ask myself ” what did I lost”? I would blame myself for missed oppurtunities.
When I should be asking “what will I still find?”
Lola might have lost the oppurtunity to study but she found happiness on seeing her sisters succeed in life.
As for me, I have a long way to go, perhaps there will still be a lot of “ifs” in my journey. But I know that I have my gems and diamonds to stregthen me along the way.
P.s. I will write a biography of my lola soon.
Thank you for reading❤